See You Again
by DanaDanoushka
Summary: A different outcome to the scene in 3x08 where Jay saves Erin from being shot: Jay has to deal with losing Erin.


**Disclaimer: Chicago P.D. or any of its characters do not belong to me. I don't own anything but the idea and the tears I shed while writing this.**

 **Warning: Major Character death!**

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 **See You Again**

Before I was born, my parents bought this puppy because they already had my brother Will and thought it'd be nice to have a family dog. Her name was Millie. Will and Millie and I, we grew up together. She was always there, always trying to steal our food from the kitchen counter, always there when you needed to be cheered up, always wanting to play. She loved to cuddle and I'm not kidding when I say she liked to be hugged. She would just sit down in front of you and look at you with those big, loving eyes and wait until you wrapped your arms around her neck. I loved her. I couldn't imagine life without her. She was just part of it.  
But that's just not how life works. Because one day, Will and I came home from school – I must have been around ten years old – and my parents were already waiting for us at the door, strange expressions on their faces. I waited for Millie to run outside and greet us but she didn't. I looked up into my mom's eyes and knew something was wrong.  
Long story short: Millie was an 11-year old German Shepherd and some of her organs just weren't working properly anymore. She was in pain. The vet tried to save her but it was just a matter of time before she finally died in our arms the next morning. We buried her in the woods we used to take her to, her favorite place to play hide and seek with Will and I. In that moment, when I looked at her little grave, I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought I understood how someone you love being ripped from you for no reason is the most horrible thing that can happen to anyone.  
When I think about it now, she'd really had a beautiful dog life and I couldn't have asked for a better companion in my childhood. But at the time, my tiny world was shattered. I don't know what I had expected. Did I believe dogs lived forever?  
When I was lying in bed at night, still crying over not being able to say goodnight to my dead friend, my mom would hear me and come in my room. She would sit down next to me, run her fingers through my hair and tell me it would be fine again. She told me that it was okay to mourn Millie and that she would always be there in my heart. I would say that it wasn't fair that she died but mom would correct me and say it was supposed to be that way. We couldn't save her. No one could. It was just life running its course. But the phrase that is etched in my mind forever is this: "She's okay where she is now, don't worry about her, honey."  
And I thought, "Hey, you're right, mom. She's no longer in any pain." It's always the ones who are left behind who have to suffer, not the ones who actually pass away. Yeah, right.

Are you, Erin? Are you okay now? I'm only thinking about my mother's words from 20 years ago because I'm losing my mind trying to deal with what happened to you. You weren't old, you were in the middle of living your life. You had just won another battle against you biggest enemy: your past. You fought your demons, you came back to me and I thought you were finally doing fine. I thought we were happy. But that didn't matter to that man, did it? He just took a gun, pulled the trigger and didn't even get the chance to think about what he had done before I killed him.  
Should I be mad at him or at the universe? I think I'll take the universe. No, honestly, thank you, you messed up world! Thank you for taking the one person I love most from me! That's just great! I mean, I'm sitting here in a cold hospital room, staring at my lifeless girlfriend – oh, you know what? Screw that label! She's so much more than just my girlfriend. She's my best friend, my partner. And as cheesy as it might sound, she's the love of my life. Correction: She _was_.

I can't control my emotions. Her annoyingly white hospital gown that she would have hated so much is already wet with my tears. I pull the blanket up higher on her chest so she isn't cold. I don't care if she technically can't feel anything anymore, I need to take care of her. Nobody is here with me. The others are giving me some time to say goodbye. But I don't know how long they think that's gonna take. I don't think I'll ever be ready to leave her. I just can't stop holding her small, pale hand in mine and look into her lifeless face. Even like this, she's still so beautiful. I can't imagine a day where I'm not able to see that beauty anymore.  
It was never supposed to be like this. She could just be sleeping right now and wake up any second. Except people still breathe while they're asleep. But Erin has taken her last breath exactly 34 minutes ago. Yup, only half an hour ago she was still alive. How fucked up is that? I miss her already. Have you ever seen that video of a kitten desperately trying to wake its dead mother that had been run over by a car? You watch that clip and think it's so sad that the poor little kitten doesn't understand that his mom will never be able to wake up again. But honestly, I catch myself squeezing Erin's hand a little every now and then, hoping she'll squeeze back. A small part of me dies every time she doesn't.

You know what, mom? Your words didn't really help me when you died and they don't help now. Not at all actually. Maybe I was able to accept that you are better off now than suffering from cancer. I still miss you but I'm also glad you're not hurting anymore. But this? This is different. This morning I woke up next to Erin and we joked about what the day might bring and all kinds of stuff. I'll never forget her smile when she casually said she could get used to me being in her apartment all the time. Can you believe that? Erin Lindsay, the girl who invented commitment issues, basically told me she's warming up to the idea of moving in together at some point. I'll never forget her smile after she said that. I can't watch her be happy and not grin like the idiot that I am.  
You would've liked her, I think. I hope you'll be nice to her when you two meet now. Did you already meet her? I mean, I don't know how that all works. Oh, right, you can't answer.

Am I going crazy? Maybe. Is my heart shattered into a million tiny little pieces? Definitely.

"I'm so sorry, Erin. I wish I could've protected you. If I had just..." I can't go there now. She can't know I think it's my fault. I don't want her to worry. Huh. See that again? Crazy person thoughts. Because she's dead and can't hear me. Or can she? I just keep going.  
"I, um...I don't think I have ever thanked you for everything you've done for me. I'm so grateful that I joined Voight's unit. Because as...stubborn and strongheaded as you are", I actually smile at all the memories, "I couldn't have asked for a better partner. I meant what I once told you - you've made me a better cop and a better person. You don't even know how much I adore you. And even though you have these huge trust issues and you are the worst at talking about your feelings-"  
I cut myself off and wait for her to make a sassy retort at my comment as she would usually do but of course it doesn't come. Her eyes are still closed, her heart is still not beating. Before I break down again, I quickly continue.  
"Um, I don't know. You're just the bravest and toughest and sweetest person I have ever known. I would love to stay right by your side for the rest of my life," I release a shaky breath, "and I have a million more things to say but I'll tell you another time when we meet again. And before you mock me about that, you know I don't believe in a God. No God would allow wars and accidents and crazy men shooting people to exist. There is no God."  
I have to take a deep breath. How am I even doing this little speech to her? But I am.  
"But I do believe we'll see each other again. I have to think that way. So until then, all you need to know is that I love you and nothing will ever change that. All right? Don't worry about me, I'm gonna push through somehow." I lay my head on her stomach, I just want to be close to her. I glance up at her beautiful face and eventually manage to speak again.  
"Um, I just have one last request. Will you please tell my mom I said hi?"  
At this point I'm sobbing again. I just can't help it.  
"Tell her all about us and our job and keep an eye on her. I know you'll be busy watching over me - at least I hope you'll be - but this is really important, okay? Love you both."

I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder all of a sudden. I didn't hear anyone enter the room. It's Voight and a pitiful looking nurse. I can't bear to look at Voight. I didn't even think it was physically possible for that man to cry but there he was, tears running down his cheeks. What is worse: a kid losing a parent or parents losing their kid? I don't have to be a father to know the answer by looking at Voight. He can't rip his eyes off of Erin.  
I don't listen to what the nurse is saying. She's talking to Voight in a hushed voice, that's all I register. I'm too focused on Erin. Because the time I have left to look at her is so limited. That's all I can think about now. I have the sick urge to take a picture of her while I still can so that I'll never forget what she looks like. But then I could kick myself for even thinking that. There's no way I'll ever forget her.

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 **Hi. I'm editing old shit I posted here, including this one shot. :) I'm actually shocked that I still like it.**


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